Too Soon? Or Too Late?

When’s the best time to make a joke?  Many times, a friend will pipe in with a zinger about the most recent dead celebrity or other nefarious crime, and be met with a chorus of groans and undoubtedly, a “too soon,” from some sensitive bitch in the room.  Let’s assume you don’t want to offend, but you do want to deliver a poignant joke with the most sting; just when is it appropriate to make a joke about a tragedy?  If you’re reading this, my guess is you don’t often utter the calling card of the easily offended, “too soon.”

Old Abe laughed his brains out

Abe Laughed His Brains Out

South Park attempted to answer this question in the first episode of season 6, entitled “Jared Has Aids.”  I can’t remember the exact arbitrary time frame that they concluded, but I believe it was something around 21 years.  That seems silly to me, and I’d argue that it’s a case by case basis.  It would seem that mass casualties would require more waiting time, but perhaps not.  Perhaps it’s personal tragedy that requires the most.  Whatever the case, don’t get your panties in a bunch, unless you’re the cake farts girl.  If you are, please email me, you… hero.

Paul Walker Needed a Haircut Anyway

Paul Walker Needed a Haircut Anyway

To further analyze this, I must explain one particular instance in the “too soon” realm.  In this true scenario, I believe I executed “killer” timing.  Others disagree.  One day, three friends and I gathered around the Nintendo 64 for some classic four player Perfect Dark killing action.  Our one friend Rich was suspiciously absent.  When I asked about his lack of presence, I was told that he was visiting his dying aunt in hospice care.  No one thought much more of the comment.  As we prepared to play, all of us were instructed to create our character names.  Three of my friends mindlessly keyed in a random gamer tag, but I, chuckling to myself, keyed in “Rich’s Aunt.”  Knowing what was to come, I couldn’t hold in my giggles.  In the game Perfect Dark, each player is notified on screen at the time of a kill.  So as the game began, knowing what was to happen, my character hid, waiting for the perfect suicidal moment.  About three minutes in, it was typical, “Allen69 Killed You” or “You Killed Bungpie420.”   Continue reading

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The Modern Rapist

Rape isn’t about sex.  It isn’t necessarily about intercourse at all.

Defining rape can be difficult.  In fact, what you think may be innocent, casual sex, could be rape.  The definition of rape has changed recently by the Federal Government to include intoxicated sexual relations.  However, we don’t think that’s good enough.  There are still countless loopholes, and plenty of women being raped daily, many of whom may not even realize it.  We need to protect them by spreading the new definition of rape.

When a person engages in seemingly harmless sexual contact, be it vaginal intercourse, oral sex, anal stimulation, or anything else from which one could derive any amount of sexual pleasure, it could actually be the criminal act of rape.  Under the new definition, all one would need to do, ostensibly, to become a rapist, would be to commit any illegal act and achieve sexual pleasure.  Rape is no different than any illegal activity… where you cum.  Sex isn’t a part of rape.  It’s about power, control, committing crimes… and then cumming.  In this article we will examine what could make you… a rapist.

Cause of Rape

 

 

If you force a woman to be your sex slave by telling her to give you a rim job or you’re going to maim her lap dog with a shovel, and so she does, and you cum… you might be a rapist.

If you go to a gang bang taping wearing a viking costume, and it’s your turn to jam your cock down the actress’ throat, but during the blow job you yell at her in an ancient garbled nordic language that “this is the worst blow job ever,” smack her, and then cum on her face… you might be a rapist. Continue reading

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In Vitro Fertilization the Hip New Abortion

Only a decade ago it seemed that abortions were all the rage.  Every 26 year old white female with a pulse was getting one.  Abortions were just plain cool.  “Everyone was doing it.”  Said 29 year old Mary, outside of the cryogenix lab after an egg freeze. She added, “If you had an extra 300 bucks lying around, you could become really important overnight.  Of course we all acted like we didn’t want one and that it was a tough decision, but come on, it was painless.  It’s not like we were attached to it or anything.”

Why was abortion so popular?  “I just liked the attention.” Said 32 year old Meghann, who’s on her third attempt at IVF.  She continued, “I’d already gotten a lower back tattoo in Panama City.  I needed something new to get boys to like me.  I knew that if the boys knew I was an easy flusher, then I’d be good girlfriend material.”

Well Worth It

Well Worth It

Abortion has always been a hot button issue, but a decade ago, it was the hot thing to do.  “My dad didn’t seem to care that I had gotten my tongue pierced.  So what could I do to piss him off?  I told my boyfriend that I switched to the pill and that we didn’t need to use condoms anymore.  7 months later, he’s forking over 400 bucks to end it.” Said Brittney.  She went on, “I knew he’d pay for it.  That’s a career ender… Not that his career working at the batting cage was going anywhere.  And wow was my dad pissed.  His little girl was a monstrous slut!  Payback old man!”

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Mars Curiosity Rover Produces Unexpected Results

The scientific community was rocked last week when the Mars rover Curiosity discovered water within the soil of the red planet.  Further chemical analysis has been conducted on the sample and the results were, as a NASA Spokesperson commented, “Unexpected.”
Gerald Mockard, Major General of NASA’s Mars mission, declared to the press that the water found in the Martian soil has been labeled “not safe for human consumption.”  Mockard added, “The water we’ve retrieved has a pungent odor, a dirty tint, and is quite sticky-icky to the touch.”  According to a lengthy report released by NASA, the water tested positive for high amounts of cannabinoid metabolites.  Shocked NASA scientists included in the report that the Martian water possesses identical chemical properties to sections of carpet found in college dorm rooms.
9 Year Old's Rendition

9 Year Old’s Rendition

High Intensity Spectrometer results revealed 97.5 parts per 100 of rover collected water matched that of spilt bong water.  “Probably low grade shit.”  One NASA researcher elaborated,  “They may have figured out interstellar travel, but their hydroponic growing technique is rudimentary at best.  This was some regs.  Not that OG Kush… I’ve read about.”

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Republicans FiliBUSTED

After his recent record setting effort for filibustering this past week, Republican Representative Ted Cruz tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, or PEDs.  Washington DC Athletic Commission spokesman Randy Neighbour said at a recent press conference that Cruz’s “A” sample came back positive for the blood doping agents Speakaton, and Standalong, as well as, “ungodly amounts” of NOS Energy Drink, the premier energy drink of supercharged douche bags.  Neighbor added, “We will be testing his B sample as well, but it’s safe to say this is a tainted filibustering record.  An asterisk beside this 21 hour feat will be in all the text books.”  We assume he meant Wikipedia, and not actual textbooks.

Hold your NOSe and swallow

Hold your NOSe and swallow

Outraged Missouri Democratic Senator Paul Failure said, “Just look at these guys.  They’re completely juiced!  Cruz’s resting heart rate was under 30 beats per minute the entire time.  No clean congressman could do that.”  The rest of his team has had countless allegations thrown at them, but no one else has, as Neighbour put it, “pissed hot.”   Continue reading

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New Pasta Touted as “Gay Friendly”

Smear the Queers... in Pasta Sauce!

Smear the Queers… in Pasta Sauce!

With the recent homophobic comments made by Barilla Pasta CEO, the gay community has voiced their concerns and created a backlash.  Many people, both straight and gay, have decided to boycott the use of any Barilla Pasta Company’s wheat based noodle products.  Ostracizing the gay community may not have been a smart play as surveys show that nearly 70% of gay Americans shovel noodle shaped objects into their mouths or anuses frequently.

Barilla has divided a nation on the never pleasant pasta issue, but taking the other side is the Bertolli Pasta Company.  However, their tactic has people scratching their penis heads as well.  Bertolli Pasta has employed an unusual marketing strategy by openly targeting the gay community, and ONLY the gay community. Bertolli recently released their new line of Gay Only pasta with their new slogan, “No More Straight Pasta,” printed on each box.  Continue reading

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This Knowledge is So Dirty it’s Straight CLEAN

Full of LIES

Full of LIES

You know the truth about 9/11?  We do.  We’ll be reporting on the 9/11 commission report.  I read that whole thing.

Is God in here?

Is God in here?

You know the truth about god?  We do.  We’ll be reporting on the bible.  I read that whole thing.

I have to read chapters 3 and 4... THREE AND FOUR?

I have to read chapters 3 and 4… THREE AND FOUR?

You know the truth about the age of the Universe and the Sun and Earth?  We’ll be reporting on my 9th grade Science textbook.  I just now read the whole thing.

We’ve got lots of hot gossip and rants coming; maybe even some real news too…

If I say it, it’s a fact.

$$ Mr. NeverWrong

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Take the Red Pill

Take the Red Pill

Take the Red Pill

It’s time.  Free yourself from this matrix and enter the new filthier one.  Here at Brown Soap Company we offer a cleansing of the soul for you to get dirty.  Take the red pill, and start using brown soap.  Learn what sucks, what we should be paying attention to, what’s fucking the world, and read some funny stories too.  Don’t be confused, I never use white soap when I shower, because that’s the illuminati trying to dry out your skin and kill the good bacteria that keeps you safe.  Also, I rarely shower, but that’s due to laziness.

That’s it for now.  If you’ve got something to contribute, email me at brownsoapdealer@gmail.com

If I say it, it’s a fact.

$$ Mr. NeverWrong

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